Anxiety

This post has no structure to it, it may be all over the place.
i actually had a friend of mine say to me tonight, "you don't do so well with crowds, do you?"
which made me want to write a few things down.
I'd  like to address something to the people in my life , and since i'm so bad with crowds  it seemed easier for me to write things down.
I'm already a self concious person, i feel like everyone is staring at me when most likely they are most likely just getting on with their own lives.
 i had built up my confidence but then something happen that makes me feel like utter crap and i was  right back where i started.
added to that i have social anxiety, and take mild panic attacks , although not had one in a while (touch wood).
I've not always been like this , i think i know what had triggered it.
 a few years ago in my work i was working the back shift and a crowd of teenage boys came in , cut a long story short they got asked to leave but refused and the boy went ape and punched me, broken my glasses, was off work for a month with trauma,  too scared to go back to work.
Obviously i eventually went back to work, but since then if i get overwhelmed with a situation i take a panic attack. sometimes i gotta take myself away from the situation, go somewhere quiet and take some deep breaths.
I get quite anxious around big crowds which isn't great considering i work with the general public and in a fast paced job, it must show how shy i am around people  my head is normally down, sometimes depending on how im feeling that day i could be fine and feel confident , other days i don't want to talk to anyone,sometimes i get to a point where i don't even wanna get on a bus, or go to the shops.
On my reallt bad days i get myself into such a state that i have to call in sick, but i wouldn't dare to tell them why , i say im sick or something, because i don't think people get it, you tell someone you have social anxiety and they will think your talking utter rubbish, think your lying or something, the looks i have got from some people says it all really.

I have my ups and my downs , I like the quiet.. and sometimes i love being around people and enjoy  the company. I just want people to remember that so many people in this world are most liking battling with something in their lifes, you should consider that and their feelings , before you judge them, im still coming to terms with this i was just relieved to see on the internet that there are other people out there with the same problem and those are the people i look up to as inspiration , if your looking for someone to answer a few of your questions for you and havn't heard of her, you should look up zoella on youtube  shes a true inspiration if you ask me and has helped me alot ,  worse combinations ever, self confident, anxiety,  socially  awkward and trying to live in this world ,

what's your flaws?

dealing with loss

you never think that it's going to happen to you .
 your just so blissfully happy and excited that you tell everyone your news just a little too early than you should,
i just wish i kept it to myself until the scan, its just so much harder having to not only deal with this loss, but also tell everyone that you have lost your baby.
they say everything happens for a reason, what could possibly be the reason behind this, why couldnt i have my baby growing inside me?
i figured writing this down might help me, im not so sure.
you expect to go to your first scan with your other half and have this moment in your head forever, when your both holding hands and you see your baby in your belly and you cant wait to show everyone.. i just never expected it to be me, i couldnt see anything other than a little grey blob, the nurse says .. she couldn't get a heartbeat and  looks like i lost it at around 7 weeks ...this moment  will be in my mind, forever
even when i close my eyes i see it.I need to go into hospital tomorrow for them to  remove the sack, i dont want to go back to the same place where  i found out.
 im not quite sure how to get over it, maybe no one ever does, they just learn to deal with it.
maybe i feel i cant get to move on or properly grieve is because i still have the baby sack in my stomach..
my body hasn't caught up yet so still thinks im pregnant, im still getting the aches and pains in my breasts and lower back.I cant even imagine whats going through chris' head or how he's feeling hes a very strong guy, not at all like me, sometimes i wonder if hes getting sick and tired of me talking about it , i know hes got his heart in the right place he just wants to see me smile again,i feel like i shouldn't be.
i know its only been 3 days and im sure theres no time scale on when i will feel better but i just want it to stop hurting, im crying all the time, almost to a point when i think i have no other tears to cry, but no, i could cry a river..
the nurse says i should be just glad that i got pregnant in the first place and i am i just dont know how to deal with this loss, but then again i dont want the help of counselling, mainly because im a blubberly mess .
 i would never wish this upon anyone to go through, i just hope that after the hospital i can be able to feel better because right now i dont want to leave the house.

Pitter patter of footsteps

I have been waiting a good few weeks to write this post, im so happy i can't contain my excitement, so here are the two words i'm dying to get off my chest to everyone but for now i'll just say it in a post, I'm pregnant!

I've been waiting to be a mother for so long i was starting to think it would never happen, now im only 28 ,but like I've said in a previous post, i  was in  my last relationship for 8 years and sadly kids was something that was never gonna happen for us both, ,  when i went into my now relationship,  when we decided that we were going to start trying i thought it would never happen.

  i decided to take a test on the 22nd of may, and was shocked by the result but we decided to wait the next day and do it again  as the first test was rather cheap, so yes, 23rd of may i found out i was pregnant and it was a very exciting night, as i had already invited my best friend up  to hang out so she got to find out the same time me and Chris had.

 I 've already starting to show which makes me think i'm further along than what the doctor had though as i couldn't remember my last period so were just going along with how long we think i am , but yes very excited i think i may try  do more blog post on this :)

birthday treats!

It was my birthday last week, i turned 28 years old, i didn't make it a big thing, normally I'd like to go out for my birthday for some evening drinks, but you kind of get to a point that you don't wanna celebrate that your getting old , well i didn't anyways.
Chris and i  just stayed in watching movies and playing kinect games, which for me was amazing cause I've never played any kinect games before.
I did however get a few little presents from some friends and family :)
my friend Hayley had just came back from India the week before and had picked up Katy Perry's perfume, Killer Queen which smells amazing! , she also picked me up a coconut scented candle , it smells so strong and that's before I've even lit it so I'm excited to use it... it also had glitter through it!!
My mother got me the usual little things, some clothes and P.J's , Chris' sister got me a candle too also it smells of coconut and another scented plaque and my wonderful boyfriend got me Frozen on DVD and an Olaf ...(clapping my hands right now)

I've been 28 for a good week now, its not such a bad thing , will keep you updated on that though
xx

Finding The One

 I love to hear how couples get together, everyone has a love story, i love a good love story and i wear my heart on my sleeve , i cry very easy, weather I'm happy or sad i will bawl my eyes out to a point I'll have a lump in my throat and have mascara running down my face.
My best friend Hayley has been with her guy for I'd say 5 to 6 years
they have had their ups and their downs  and at one point went their separate ways  but found their way back to each other which i think is just lovely, Craig is one in a million and has stuck by Hayley when she was at her lowest point.. even when they were just friends.

Their story always sticks in my mind as to how they first met...
She was out in town with one of her friends, Liz  and her nephew Taylor and they met up with Liz's friend ..that be Craig
from what i can recall Hayley's nephew took a generous amount of food off of Craig's plate and they all had a laugh about it  and the rest is pretty much history.. she had stolen his heart and they have pretty much been inseparable.
they did have a few hick ups along the way  and seen other people when going their seperate ways, but most love stories start that way.Every moment leading up to the one in which you meet your future husband or wife somehow shapes you into the person you were meant to be with. any heartbreaks or loneliness you've had along the way can be important -- sometimes we need to know what something feels like when its wrong before we can really know when it feels RIGHT.

Hayley and Craig :)