dealing with loss

you never think that it's going to happen to you .
 your just so blissfully happy and excited that you tell everyone your news just a little too early than you should,
i just wish i kept it to myself until the scan, its just so much harder having to not only deal with this loss, but also tell everyone that you have lost your baby.
they say everything happens for a reason, what could possibly be the reason behind this, why couldnt i have my baby growing inside me?
i figured writing this down might help me, im not so sure.
you expect to go to your first scan with your other half and have this moment in your head forever, when your both holding hands and you see your baby in your belly and you cant wait to show everyone.. i just never expected it to be me, i couldnt see anything other than a little grey blob, the nurse says .. she couldn't get a heartbeat and  looks like i lost it at around 7 weeks ...this moment  will be in my mind, forever
even when i close my eyes i see it.I need to go into hospital tomorrow for them to  remove the sack, i dont want to go back to the same place where  i found out.
 im not quite sure how to get over it, maybe no one ever does, they just learn to deal with it.
maybe i feel i cant get to move on or properly grieve is because i still have the baby sack in my stomach..
my body hasn't caught up yet so still thinks im pregnant, im still getting the aches and pains in my breasts and lower back.I cant even imagine whats going through chris' head or how he's feeling hes a very strong guy, not at all like me, sometimes i wonder if hes getting sick and tired of me talking about it , i know hes got his heart in the right place he just wants to see me smile again,i feel like i shouldn't be.
i know its only been 3 days and im sure theres no time scale on when i will feel better but i just want it to stop hurting, im crying all the time, almost to a point when i think i have no other tears to cry, but no, i could cry a river..
the nurse says i should be just glad that i got pregnant in the first place and i am i just dont know how to deal with this loss, but then again i dont want the help of counselling, mainly because im a blubberly mess .
 i would never wish this upon anyone to go through, i just hope that after the hospital i can be able to feel better because right now i dont want to leave the house.

Pitter patter of footsteps

I have been waiting a good few weeks to write this post, im so happy i can't contain my excitement, so here are the two words i'm dying to get off my chest to everyone but for now i'll just say it in a post, I'm pregnant!

I've been waiting to be a mother for so long i was starting to think it would never happen, now im only 28 ,but like I've said in a previous post, i  was in  my last relationship for 8 years and sadly kids was something that was never gonna happen for us both, ,  when i went into my now relationship,  when we decided that we were going to start trying i thought it would never happen.

  i decided to take a test on the 22nd of may, and was shocked by the result but we decided to wait the next day and do it again  as the first test was rather cheap, so yes, 23rd of may i found out i was pregnant and it was a very exciting night, as i had already invited my best friend up  to hang out so she got to find out the same time me and Chris had.

 I 've already starting to show which makes me think i'm further along than what the doctor had though as i couldn't remember my last period so were just going along with how long we think i am , but yes very excited i think i may try  do more blog post on this :)