Be kind, always

Who has our backs?, Like if we are crying out for help, can you say you have a good support system, friends and family that understand and try to help you?
I've recently  watched "13 reasons why" and by the time i got to the last few episodes i started thinking about the people in my life , i was thinking that if i was in that situation  as that girl Hannah , if i would have had someone there for me and the answer to that is ,no.
I don't think i would  have , everyone is so involved in their own lives , going through their own problems , i honestly  don't think anyone would notice, take for instance right now , for circumstances i wont go into I'm back at my parents house , i love  my mum to pieces and my dad..Well we don't see eye to eye ..everything is a big drama and inconvenience to him.
I don't think he knows how to parent, all i asked is if they wanted me to move out , because I feel like I'm in the way , and he dramatised it and screamed at me , yelling how old are you..Like what I was asking pissed him off  ..I've never had a heart to heart with my mum or dad because they don't take me seriously, and the whole anxiety issue with him he just tells me to grow up..What kind of support system is that? I can't go to the people in my life i should be able to talk to and trust..What good is that probably doing to me mentally, what if i get to a point of noone to talk to and hating life that i do something as crazy as that girl, and whos fault would it be if that happened..i could probably imagine he'd say something like ," stupid idiot what was she thinking " as an apose to "it's all my fault"
I'm not saying I'm going to do something stupid I'm just saying , there's no one in my life to talk to about that kind of stuff, beside my boyfriend..He is amazing and supportive but im strickly talking about Friends and family , everyone should just be kinder, look out for one another  how bad are you going to feel if something  happened to them and you'll live the rest of your life thinking what if you could have done something to help?!

The calm to my storm

I've spent pretty much everyday with my bf since we've both been off work together,I thought he'd be sick of me by now.
Think there was a little bit inside me that was worried "oh no, he's gonna see me at my worst"  which I guess eventually he would see , but I was trying to not reveal too quickly how I can be ,  I have had a few little panic attacks due to  frustration of not being able to do some things  and he's been brilliant, i guess you could say it's brought us closer together and opened us both up more and he's still here, horrah! I am, so thnakful to have someone as amazing as him in my life, he us the most amazing person and i just want to spend all my time with him,
He's not going anywhere as he keeps saying and i believe him when he says that, he's not wrapping me up too tightly ,  because I still need to be able to do things on my own and i don't want to go back to how I was before , where I relied on that person too much to a point that they would do everything for me, difference​ now is I want to do it  and he gives me the option of still doing what scares me but at least trying it out , he's not steered me wrong so far  most things I've faced has turned out to be a good night in the end and i feel so much better in the end having done it and that's down to him as much as it is me, there's no yelling, he's so patient and calm with me , even when I'm in a little annoyed mood  he can litterly pull me in for a cuddle and he'd  break down that wall I've been trying to build, he actually makes me want to be able to be the best version of myself  and i know that's cheesy as hell but it's damn true, he is by far the best thing in my life and I'm just looking forward to doing so much amazing things together.

What is wrong with me?

Seriously..What is wrong with me, every time I get to a point in this relationship that I feel that little bit more comfortable and confident there's that little voice inside me that tells message Im no good, I'm gonna get hurt  what's the point  in all this .. maybe I'm doomed to never be happy  or find my soulmate ...Or do i have him and I'm just terrifiedof EVERYTHING... You know what probably doesn't  help looking at his exs fb.. I've done this to myself really  all I'm doing is comparing ..Why doesn't he say stuff like that to me  and how can he be with me when he's went out with someone as beautiful as her , I wanna pull my hair out ..Well done Emma ...Well done.

Anxiety in relationships

You know I thought i was doing well, since being in this new relationship I feel my anxiety problem had went away
,Well not completely away because I have had a few minor ones, but I think all it's done is shifted into relationship anxiety.
I've never been with someone and felt this nausea I get when I overthink things and I bloody hate it ..I will be the one to drive him away!  Is what I keep saying to myself , trying to pin point the reason for feeling this way, I'm not sure.
Maybe it could be that I'm now coming up for 31 and no where near where I was wanting to be in life , married and with kids ...Maybe I'm just scared of being in a relationship again because to be honest I'm scared of possibly loosing many years of my life  again and still might be no where near close to being a wife and mother, it's scary it really is then I think about other things ...Does he like me as much as I like him  , will he leave me, does he even like the things I like  everything with us is perfect except I have to deal with all this in my head and I wanna tear my hair out!

Like lightening!

"Every moment leading up to the one in which you meet your future husband or wife somehow shapes you into the person you were meant to be with. any heartbreaks or loneliness you've had along the way can be important -- sometimes we need to know what something feels like when its wrong before we can really know when it feels right"

I still stand by my words, dispite saying this on a post a year or so ago I still do believe that your journey in life does shape and mould you into the person that you become ..And you just learn from your mistakes, at my age most people have probably went through a long relationship, heartache ,  broken off engagements,moved back into your parents..Hello..I'm living proof.
I am however so much more happier  and in love than ever before, he came into my life out of nowhere..Like lightning!

Me and my friend have went  through so much heartache it's great to see us both happy in our relationships of course I've only just started seeing Chris but ..Hayley and kevin are exceptionally amazing,I do tend to tear up quite a lot  when I talk or think about them two, okay so her engagement didn't work out with the other guy , as didnt mine...Least we realised before getting married but let's not dwell on the past too much.
Around November last year my Hayley took a chance on a guy she worked with, and asked him out..Best decision ever!
Took her a while but understandable , you think you shouldn't date someone who your friends with ..But what if you can have that best friend and your soulmate wrapped up into one amazing Kevin!
I've never see her so happy and in love as is Kevin , a perfect match for each other oh yeah.. and they're getting married
Ekk! 

Never felt like this before

I've been seeing this guy for a few months now and i dunno what it is about him, he has this hold over me, or spell haha, who knows.
I've never felt this way before over a guy at least I dont think I have, I get butterflies  whenever I go to see him, I think that's kinda nice, to me he's practically perfect.
The list is endless  of what I love about him, and i dont just mean looks, I forgot how much I love a tall guy, he has amazing eyes and a great smile, his laugh is lovely,  I love his arms and im sure he also knows that,  his voice is just to die for.
He has an amazing personality ,he loves animals and has  such a kind heart i mean he gave me flowers ..on his birthday I just want to know more about him all the time, I'm very infatuated by him  but I'm at a point of insecurity, and I think If I don't get a hold of myself. I'm gonna lose him.. maybe it's guilt of the fact that I ended the last two relationships I'm now scared it's going to happen to me, I don't want to get hurt, I've not let down my wall completely yet..It may take a bit of time but  I'll get there.

Am I too picky?

I've done alot of thinking over the past few weeks, I mean I'm not sure if it's the logical part of my brain thinking or the little bit of insanity that goes on in there, but I keep thinking that I am but too picky when it comes to men.
I almost feel jealous for the people out there that has been seeing the same person for a good few years that look as though they got it good and perfect, but I also did say on my last post that you don't know what goes on in people's life's.. I'm sure they work at their relationships , however these people that from a far you look at and they look happy and in love , just moved in together,  can't keep their hands off each other , and engaged, pregnant yada yada yada!.
I envy them that's all I ever wanted I've never had all that  in one relationship ..in all 2 relationships I've been in, with John I got the physical contact and love but he just never seen me, once a week or even fortnight was not enough and the we seen each other less and less and i got use to being alone and it got to a point that dispite I had the title of being In a relationship.. I wasn't. With Chris I seen him all the time and had got the effection but just not much physical contact.. why cant i have both? One thing they were both the same with, is that it didnt matter if i voiced my concerns over matters ..they both were the same for communication, terrible.
I want it all ,not parts of a relationship ,im aware that noone is perfect but i think you got to have at least all that but like i said.. i feel as though i might be too picky  or maybe im just looking too much into things i don't think it's a bad thing that people have some specifics  in a guy .
I just want a guy that's head over heels in love with me as much as i am for him and that wants to spend time with me , can be, confident and romantic and sweet but who I can have a laugh with as well,  where the hell is my knight In shining armour!..is he stuck in traffic?