what's going on ,on the inside

I've wrote a few posts on my anxiety issue but i've realised looking back at them that i've never really wrote how it truly feels to be in that state, in the mind of it all.
Weirdly i'm finding it difficult to think how it feels as i'm alright at the moment and not had one in a while so i will try my hardest to get all this down.

There are alot of things i wanted to put down before but forgot to say them one thing i hate about it all is, i hate letting my friends down, and i have let them down a lot due to this, and i hate it, if i am feeling bad that day or just had a panic attack , i don't wanna go out, i don't want to be in no one's company, and it's nothing against you guys if you ever happen to read this..i just go into a shell , where i'm very vulnerable, very sensitive and just want to be in a dark room to be honest.Im also left thinking alot of what just happened, why it happened.. sometimes there isn't even a reason for it , i just get a sense of dread wash over me , but yes im left thinking an awful lot of how i've let people down , what other folk may be thinking ... there's just an awful lot of over thinking.. and that doesn't help much

That's basically the aftermath of it , like a chain reaction , you go through this and you get yourself so worked up, you get sweaty palms, your heart is racing like mad that you almost feel like it could burst out of your chest, and in that moment you may think that you could pass out, and it's the worst possible thing your going through, until your breathing gets a bit steadier and you calm down a little only then is when i start thinking too much of  what if someone saw me and think im crazy?, am i crazy? is there anyone else out there that has this?  , what's wrong with me?....and then i start another one and im back to sweaty palms and crazy fast beating in my chest.. it's a vicious circle really.

I've only recently went to the doctors about this, and been prescribed something for a month to see how i get on, and i'm also going to see a councillor.. this actually freaks me out a little , i said i'd go but i'm just getting more and more nervous about it , im not saying taking medication will stop them all  together , because they don't if anything for me they have submerged them ever so slightly, they aren't as big as the ones i've had before , very mild.. but i do still get them, you just gotta learn some techniques on what works for you, which i am still trying to do

quick update

was on my way to work feeling fine got on the bus was fine for the first half of my journey then, out of no where, i felt very sick, got very panicky,  I've no clue why these start sometimes, they say because your overthinking but I wasn't even doing that.
I'm currently sitting in work trying to calm myself down, and since I'm so bad at describing how these attacks make me feel afterwards, I decided to go find a quiet spot in work and write this down. I've just ask Chris to pop into my doctors and make an appointment for me, I need to speak to my doctor about this, I don't want this to ruin my life any more and if there's something I could be taking to make me more relaxed then I'll take it.
no more avoiding this matter time to take control of my life.

Im not okay

SO i found this post in my drafts , obviously forgot to post it so this was 2 3 weeks ago

  Do you ever get those days where you wonder why you are here?, what your purpose is in life?
Today is one of those days for me, even the nicest things that my friends and boyfriend are saying, don't seem to be helping me.. maybe i just need to get this little cry out.

Today started out well,it was a beautiful day and i was to go down and have a casual interview with someone about transferring stores, i don't know entirely why i feel so lousy maybe because this was the first time i have went for an interview in 11 years ? or was it because i thought i had went in there assuming i was getting it and then getting told they couldn't accommodate the hours i needed.
Which got my mind in a warp thinking..over thinking EVERYTHING !
maybe i'm not good enough, maybe i'm not good at my job.
Having anxiety has already put such a hold on things for me  that i feel like i cant do anything, or even bother to try, to be honest i feel like there's no way up from here..maybe i might feel better tomorrow who knows, I'm just getting quite embarrassed and annoyed that i keep having to either call up work and cancelling shifts or having to get sent home, like tonight.
It took me such a long time to calm down tonight , my manager had no choice to send me home.
I'm now just getting to a point that i am fed up of feeling like this.. it's not me, i wasn't this person 4-5 years ago. that incident i had in work has ruined me , changed me as a person, nothing use to break me i was a very happy girl always a smile on my face , always joking, yes i still smile just now it's in between crying an awful lot.
Something needs to be done, i need to get back to the old me .. do any of you ever feel like that, like you've lost yourself along the way? i feel that way , i think some of the people n my life have noticed as well. something needs done, i need help , new job, a happier life

blog update!

well hello you beautiful strangers!,
I've been neglecting this blog recently, now i don't have any subscribers, but judging from the views i do get people that read it, and i thank you.
I do however, want to be able to have  a set schedule , where i sit down say maybe 2/3 times a week and do a blog, at the moment i am currently off sick I've been off work for almost a week already but i spend most of it whining  like a biatch, now realising i'm just going to have to accept there is no "easy fast fix" to recovering and i just gotta let it run it's course.
My sick line is meant to be up tomorrow but judging by the way i feel i don't think im getting better anytime soon, so most likely it is back to the doctors for me on monday for yet another line.
So why may you ask am i telling you think, well firstly because this blog is about everyday life things but, i've decided that with my time off i am going to do more blogs, laying about moaning about how life is unfair, has got a bit boring now so i will grace you with my presence instead, don't worry it's not going to be a diary of how i'll i am everyday, i'd like to do more beauty and fashion pieces  and life matters too.
I also want to do OOTD's  but with me being i'll i'm not really going anywhere.
so yes ! im back hopefully alot more frequent too.

Toodles
   Ems
      x

friendships

I've always been the type of girl in school that floated around with different crowds, i look back on that and thought it was a good thing, because it was all different types of people, from the quiet and awkward people to the ones who stand out of a crowd.to the bullies.

 One friend that i've known since we were 4 years old, went to school together , we were joined to the hip despite in  high school we weren't in each others classes, we grew apart after she decided to leave when she was 16 and i kept at school for another 2 years i'm not quite sure when it got to the point that we just weren't in each others company any more, but even so, we both don't have any resentment because we both have our own lives to live, and every so often when we do see each other we just love to reminisce.You'd think now with the next thing i'm going to say is very sad, but i don't have many friends.
i'm alright with that ,  i wouldn't want a bundle of people in my life  you always get a few dodgy ones, i've had one of those in the past every heard the term, 3's a crowd?, i'll get into that story another time.you will learn in life the ones you should keep in your lives and the ones you should steer clear of, it might take you a while to realise that, because in my own personal opinion on what has happened to me, i use to think even though i was getting bullied that i'd rather have those people as friends than none at all  , which thinking about it now, is just silly, i'd much rather be in my own company than be friends with a bully, and i was for a short while but it was the best thing that happened to me.
 Me and  my bestie , H have known each other  since we were  9 and  11  we lived right across the street from each other. i remember the first time we met, i think that's when you know you got yourself a really good one, is when you can remember your first encounter together. our first little mate date together we played dream phone(ahh i loved that game).. and most likely with our barbies as well.we've known each other for  18 years , that's a really long time
We're the kind of friends that have watched so many movies that we literally just quote them to each other, or use them in everyday life which to me is hilarious.I think everytime we hang out  we do that haha.  We've had our ups and downs, our mad nights out and quite nights in, we've ran marathons together and pigged out plenty, we've picked each other up when we were feeling down and wipes away those tears, even saying something silly in those times to make each other smile.

I  need my friend in my life, we all do, we need those people that you can make memories with, someone you can laugh with uncontrollably  and who can be there for you to wipe away those tears,and to beat up any person who dared make us sad.

Anxiety

This post has no structure to it, it may be all over the place.
i actually had a friend of mine say to me tonight, "you don't do so well with crowds, do you?"
which made me want to write a few things down.
I'd  like to address something to the people in my life , and since i'm so bad with crowds  it seemed easier for me to write things down.
I'm already a self concious person, i feel like everyone is staring at me when most likely they are most likely just getting on with their own lives.
 i had built up my confidence but then something happen that makes me feel like utter crap and i was  right back where i started.
added to that i have social anxiety, and take mild panic attacks , although not had one in a while (touch wood).
I've not always been like this , i think i know what had triggered it.
 a few years ago in my work i was working the back shift and a crowd of teenage boys came in , cut a long story short they got asked to leave but refused and the boy went ape and punched me, broken my glasses, was off work for a month with trauma,  too scared to go back to work.
Obviously i eventually went back to work, but since then if i get overwhelmed with a situation i take a panic attack. sometimes i gotta take myself away from the situation, go somewhere quiet and take some deep breaths.
I get quite anxious around big crowds which isn't great considering i work with the general public and in a fast paced job, it must show how shy i am around people  my head is normally down, sometimes depending on how im feeling that day i could be fine and feel confident , other days i don't want to talk to anyone,sometimes i get to a point where i don't even wanna get on a bus, or go to the shops.
On my reallt bad days i get myself into such a state that i have to call in sick, but i wouldn't dare to tell them why , i say im sick or something, because i don't think people get it, you tell someone you have social anxiety and they will think your talking utter rubbish, think your lying or something, the looks i have got from some people says it all really.

I have my ups and my downs , I like the quiet.. and sometimes i love being around people and enjoy  the company. I just want people to remember that so many people in this world are most liking battling with something in their lifes, you should consider that and their feelings , before you judge them, im still coming to terms with this i was just relieved to see on the internet that there are other people out there with the same problem and those are the people i look up to as inspiration , if your looking for someone to answer a few of your questions for you and havn't heard of her, you should look up zoella on youtube  shes a true inspiration if you ask me and has helped me alot ,  worse combinations ever, self confident, anxiety,  socially  awkward and trying to live in this world ,

what's your flaws?

dealing with loss

you never think that it's going to happen to you .
 your just so blissfully happy and excited that you tell everyone your news just a little too early than you should,
i just wish i kept it to myself until the scan, its just so much harder having to not only deal with this loss, but also tell everyone that you have lost your baby.
they say everything happens for a reason, what could possibly be the reason behind this, why couldnt i have my baby growing inside me?
i figured writing this down might help me, im not so sure.
you expect to go to your first scan with your other half and have this moment in your head forever, when your both holding hands and you see your baby in your belly and you cant wait to show everyone.. i just never expected it to be me, i couldnt see anything other than a little grey blob, the nurse says .. she couldn't get a heartbeat and  looks like i lost it at around 7 weeks ...this moment  will be in my mind, forever
even when i close my eyes i see it.I need to go into hospital tomorrow for them to  remove the sack, i dont want to go back to the same place where  i found out.
 im not quite sure how to get over it, maybe no one ever does, they just learn to deal with it.
maybe i feel i cant get to move on or properly grieve is because i still have the baby sack in my stomach..
my body hasn't caught up yet so still thinks im pregnant, im still getting the aches and pains in my breasts and lower back.I cant even imagine whats going through chris' head or how he's feeling hes a very strong guy, not at all like me, sometimes i wonder if hes getting sick and tired of me talking about it , i know hes got his heart in the right place he just wants to see me smile again,i feel like i shouldn't be.
i know its only been 3 days and im sure theres no time scale on when i will feel better but i just want it to stop hurting, im crying all the time, almost to a point when i think i have no other tears to cry, but no, i could cry a river..
the nurse says i should be just glad that i got pregnant in the first place and i am i just dont know how to deal with this loss, but then again i dont want the help of counselling, mainly because im a blubberly mess .
 i would never wish this upon anyone to go through, i just hope that after the hospital i can be able to feel better because right now i dont want to leave the house.