The calm to my storm

I've spent pretty much everyday with my bf since we've both been off work together,I thought he'd be sick of me by now.
Think there was a little bit inside me that was worried "oh no, he's gonna see me at my worst"  which I guess eventually he would see , but I was trying to not reveal too quickly how I can be ,  I have had a few little panic attacks due to  frustration of not being able to do some things  and he's been brilliant, i guess you could say it's brought us closer together and opened us both up more and he's still here, horrah! I am, so thnakful to have someone as amazing as him in my life, he us the most amazing person and i just want to spend all my time with him,
He's not going anywhere as he keeps saying and i believe him when he says that, he's not wrapping me up too tightly ,  because I still need to be able to do things on my own and i don't want to go back to how I was before , where I relied on that person too much to a point that they would do everything for me, difference​ now is I want to do it  and he gives me the option of still doing what scares me but at least trying it out , he's not steered me wrong so far  most things I've faced has turned out to be a good night in the end and i feel so much better in the end having done it and that's down to him as much as it is me, there's no yelling, he's so patient and calm with me , even when I'm in a little annoyed mood  he can litterly pull me in for a cuddle and he'd  break down that wall I've been trying to build, he actually makes me want to be able to be the best version of myself  and i know that's cheesy as hell but it's damn true, he is by far the best thing in my life and I'm just looking forward to doing so much amazing things together.

What is wrong with me?

Seriously..What is wrong with me, every time I get to a point in this relationship that I feel that little bit more comfortable and confident there's that little voice inside me that tells message Im no good, I'm gonna get hurt  what's the point  in all this .. maybe I'm doomed to never be happy  or find my soulmate ...Or do i have him and I'm just terrifiedof EVERYTHING... You know what probably doesn't  help looking at his exs fb.. I've done this to myself really  all I'm doing is comparing ..Why doesn't he say stuff like that to me  and how can he be with me when he's went out with someone as beautiful as her , I wanna pull my hair out ..Well done Emma ...Well done.

Anxiety in relationships

You know I thought i was doing well, since being in this new relationship I feel my anxiety problem had went away
,Well not completely away because I have had a few minor ones, but I think all it's done is shifted into relationship anxiety.
I've never been with someone and felt this nausea I get when I overthink things and I bloody hate it ..I will be the one to drive him away!  Is what I keep saying to myself , trying to pin point the reason for feeling this way, I'm not sure.
Maybe it could be that I'm now coming up for 31 and no where near where I was wanting to be in life , married and with kids ...Maybe I'm just scared of being in a relationship again because to be honest I'm scared of possibly loosing many years of my life  again and still might be no where near close to being a wife and mother, it's scary it really is then I think about other things ...Does he like me as much as I like him  , will he leave me, does he even like the things I like  everything with us is perfect except I have to deal with all this in my head and I wanna tear my hair out!

Like lightening!

"Every moment leading up to the one in which you meet your future husband or wife somehow shapes you into the person you were meant to be with. any heartbreaks or loneliness you've had along the way can be important -- sometimes we need to know what something feels like when its wrong before we can really know when it feels right"

I still stand by my words, dispite saying this on a post a year or so ago I still do believe that your journey in life does shape and mould you into the person that you become ..And you just learn from your mistakes, at my age most people have probably went through a long relationship, heartache ,  broken off engagements,moved back into your parents..Hello..I'm living proof.
I am however so much more happier  and in love than ever before, he came into my life out of nowhere..Like lightning!

Me and my friend have went  through so much heartache it's great to see us both happy in our relationships of course I've only just started seeing Chris but ..Hayley and kevin are exceptionally amazing,I do tend to tear up quite a lot  when I talk or think about them two, okay so her engagement didn't work out with the other guy , as didnt mine...Least we realised before getting married but let's not dwell on the past too much.
Around November last year my Hayley took a chance on a guy she worked with, and asked him out..Best decision ever!
Took her a while but understandable , you think you shouldn't date someone who your friends with ..But what if you can have that best friend and your soulmate wrapped up into one amazing Kevin!
I've never see her so happy and in love as is Kevin , a perfect match for each other oh yeah.. and they're getting married
Ekk! 

Never felt like this before

I've been seeing this guy for a few months now and i dunno what it is about him, he has this hold over me, or spell haha, who knows.
I've never felt this way before over a guy at least I dont think I have, I get butterflies  whenever I go to see him, I think that's kinda nice, to me he's practically perfect.
The list is endless  of what I love about him, and i dont just mean looks, I forgot how much I love a tall guy, he has amazing eyes and a great smile, his laugh is lovely,  I love his arms and im sure he also knows that,  his voice is just to die for.
He has an amazing personality ,he loves animals and has  such a kind heart i mean he gave me flowers ..on his birthday I just want to know more about him all the time, I'm very infatuated by him  but I'm at a point of insecurity, and I think If I don't get a hold of myself. I'm gonna lose him.. maybe it's guilt of the fact that I ended the last two relationships I'm now scared it's going to happen to me, I don't want to get hurt, I've not let down my wall completely yet..It may take a bit of time but  I'll get there.

Am I too picky?

I've done alot of thinking over the past few weeks, I mean I'm not sure if it's the logical part of my brain thinking or the little bit of insanity that goes on in there, but I keep thinking that I am but too picky when it comes to men.
I almost feel jealous for the people out there that has been seeing the same person for a good few years that look as though they got it good and perfect, but I also did say on my last post that you don't know what goes on in people's life's.. I'm sure they work at their relationships , however these people that from a far you look at and they look happy and in love , just moved in together,  can't keep their hands off each other , and engaged, pregnant yada yada yada!.
I envy them that's all I ever wanted I've never had all that  in one relationship ..in all 2 relationships I've been in, with John I got the physical contact and love but he just never seen me, once a week or even fortnight was not enough and the we seen each other less and less and i got use to being alone and it got to a point that dispite I had the title of being In a relationship.. I wasn't. With Chris I seen him all the time and had got the effection but just not much physical contact.. why cant i have both? One thing they were both the same with, is that it didnt matter if i voiced my concerns over matters ..they both were the same for communication, terrible.
I want it all ,not parts of a relationship ,im aware that noone is perfect but i think you got to have at least all that but like i said.. i feel as though i might be too picky  or maybe im just looking too much into things i don't think it's a bad thing that people have some specifics  in a guy .
I just want a guy that's head over heels in love with me as much as i am for him and that wants to spend time with me , can be, confident and romantic and sweet but who I can have a laugh with as well,  where the hell is my knight In shining armour!..is he stuck in traffic?

You got to hold on to what you've got.

Okay so quick life update. if I can make it quick that is.
Me and Chris have ended our relationship, it was very difficult as it's just so much more than just ending a relationship as we were engaged and living together, this was over 4-5 weeks ago but its just starting to sink in.
There is just so much to it all, that I don't even know where to start with it but I will say this, just because you are going out with someone doesn't mean you have them and you should never stop trying for one another, this really bothers me that these things happen, I've always tried my hardest to take the time to make an effort in the relationship I am in .
I make the effort  with my looks and compliment them , flirt with them understand their needs ..  a relationship should be  filled with love, understanding,  emotional and physical contact I did these things, but there's only a certain amount of time you can throw yourself I someone and get nothing back, it gets a bit embarassing
I don't give up on people straight away, I tried to talk to him  and tell him what's wrong and what we were lacking   I always did that I made sure I'd tell them how I feel  I always stated the problem and wanted to work on it, so why..why is it when I eventually have had enough that I get friends and family tell me that it's was "out the blue" and "oh you's were perfect"
It was only seen that way because I never told people the arguments, and lack of  love i was getting, whats the point? there was no point in tellig people about arguments,  to be honest I didn't even tell my best friend when things were shit because I was embarassed so I can see why she was shocked .. but realising with Chris I wasn't myself I cut off all my friends and family because that was what he was like I sacrificed alot to be with him and this is where it's got me, it trapped me in a relationship, that I was just comfortable in because I didn't want to tell my mum or come home or even know if I could come home I didn't know I was able to.
Don't pass judgement on something you can only see from the outside.
This has been the most crazy month, I knew it wasn't going to be simple but I know other people would be hurt by this news, but if both people arnt happy in the relationship and you've tried to make it work then eventually you just give up. Thinking about it I guess to him he wasn't expecting me to eventually say the words I want to break up, I guess he's  been so use to me saying to him "okay so this isn't working and that isn't working" and him telling me things are going to improve , that he just wasnt expecting it to end all together.
It makes me so mad I don't understand why im not being heard,
We've been through so Much together as well but feelings started to change and disappear the physical part of the relationship was long gone and all that was left was loving feelings you'd feel towards your brother.
If their are any guys out there reading this, please hold onto what you've got.. (sounds like I'm about to sing some bon jovi) and make an effort, same goes to the women out there it's not just one person's job to keep a relationship going you have to work at it together.